Happen to stumble across something I had written a few years back. More than 2 yrs back infact. It is my first piece of blog on myself. . written when i had no idea what blog meant.
Here it goes. . .
hey, have u ever had the feeling that u had given up on something just when u were about to reach there? in case u havent, let me tell u. it is a pretty disgusting feeling. i was just an ordinary girl. scored well in school. was pretty active in college. i am a foodie and i am paying the price. i am a bit overweight but i dont have a problem with that. i would say i look chubby in a healthy way. i was happy with the way i am. i was nice, funny, good to be with and had a bunch of great friends. but some how i began to feel insecure. i thought i was not gettting wat i deserve and that others are being rewarded for my work. things went wrong frm there. i didnt know wat was actually happening.if i had i would have felt better. the truth was i was being watched and was regarded as an efficient person. i was even nominated to head a group. but there again things went wrong. i knew there were others who were more capable of doing things than me as far as the group was concerned. that was a fact and i accepted it and told my seniors. they were still with me. said they knew i can do it. behind the stage something else was happening. many people said that they wont listen to a girl even if she was a head. come on think of it. i have beleived my whole entire life that i wont give up to any sort of gender discrimination but i did. i am not sorry for turning that offer. i am sorry for not taking it because i had little faith in me. eligible people got the position and i am happy with that. but i lost my confidence. i had lost faith in myself. and it was a serous matter. i couldnt trust any one. you know what, it took me a lot of time just to accept that whatever has happened i am responsible for that. the whole thing affected me greatly. i was going through some very tense moment in my personal life and seemed lost, unable to handle anything. i lost a lot of time, a lot of good realtionships, scores went down. i paid dearly for letting myself down. now. i have decided to accept my self and move ahead. i am working on regaining my fighting spirit. i am working on my relations and i am working on myself. there is always room for improvement, right? now i know how harmful it can be, not to trust oneself. i wont make that mistake again.
Reading this again. . made me smile. . .i do sound a bit depressive and a lot kiddish. . but dat writing was cute and damn honest. . heheh
One good thing about having a late night tea or coffee is dat. .it sets the perfect ambience for gossips, stories. .and gossip stories.
Again we were talking. She had already started her tea. . . . i was waitng for mine to cool down a bit. I dont like it too hot.
"I met him, last week". She said.
Him??
- Eh. . who??? -
"Oh. .U know him. . Mr.XYZ . I used to have a crush on him. . .long back."
- Oh, alright. I remember him. .So. . u met him last week??-
"Yeah. and u know wat, I actually felt good. And then. . .I felt very excited."
Uh. . OH!! 'Good' is fine . .but 'excited'???
"I know it sounds stupid. But, seriously, i was very excited dat after such a long time, almost a year, I met him."
"Then, I went back to my place. . And. . I felt very resltess. I didnt know what to do. My team mate was asking me something but i was in no mood to listen. I just wanted to go somewhere. .anywhere."
I smiled.
"And then. . When i got into the bus. I felt bad. Real bad. That, how much ever i wish he will never be in my life. I felt bad that, i can never give it a chance, can never give both of us a chance."
Now she was talking staring at the TV screen.
"The thought really irritated me. And then. . Then i thought, what if i had nothing else to care about, what if it was completely upto me. and he too liked me. Then what.
What will I say then. .
And the answer that come to my mind was. ..
Obviously "NO".
I laughed and almost spilled my tea. What???
"Yeah. . I mean, One sec i was feeling nice. . .then excited. . then irritated. . then sad. . then angry. .and finally. . .nothing. . blank. . back to what i was before meeting him. "
"Well . . He is nice and all. But, not the kind of guy i want my life with. So. . by the time i reached home. I was happy and fine. :$"
I was trying hard not to laugh. .
"Hey. . be honest. . .this is just normal right???"
Relationships!! We were talking about relationships. Infact, ‘She’ was talking about relationships and me concentrating on my dinner. I was damn hungry and not in a mood to cook. “Dinner?, Chal bahar chalte hai. “ She had agreed readily.
She went on, “It is a sweet feeling. More than u loving someone, u enjoy the feeling of being loved by that person. Dat is real special.”
I gave a nod and took more ketchup. I need more ketchup.
“Lekin. . Bahut khit-pit hota hai. Call every day , do this, do that, y didn’t u do this, y did u do that. . .your priorities take a big change. . “
My current priority was my dinner. But I was enjoying the talk. We always talked a lot.
Fm singing in loud voice at the background.
Hey . . listen to the lyrics now. . Dat is exactly wat all things a relationship make u do. .
. .
FM continued to sing
. .
"Taareef teri karna haan. .
Tujhe khone se darna haan
Bhool Gaya Abh Tujh Pe Din Mein
Chaar dafa marna hai. . "
We both laughed.
I went back to my dinner while she again got lost in thoughts and sipped hot tea. She was not hungry.
She always wanted to be with him. Close to him. Close enuf to enjoy the faint smell of his deo. Close enuf to see dat his smile has a little twitch towards the left, which goes almost unnoticed everyday. Close enough to feel his breath on her face.
And now, now when she is so close, she dunno wat to do. It was her fantasy, to be with him, to be held in his arms, and to feel the rough softness of his lips. She had dreamt of it, countless times, she had yearned for it.
But now, now when she is so close, she dunno what to do.
He was not her dream guy, but he was the guy who came into her dreams without any invitation. She always felt her heartbeats raising when she was with him. Whe she saw his msg on her cell, although he rarely msged anything other than smilies. But still, the simple fact that she can see his name every time she check her inbox, made her happy.
He was a strange face in the crowd. Long back. Gradually, they came to know each other through common friends. Her friends always considered him as a gentle man. Always chivalrous, always polite. She sometimes got bored of the politeness, but his one call, just to ask about the day’s lecture, a smiley as a reply to her good night msg, a simple hi, every day when they meet at the class. . .all made her happy.
That was what made her think that she love him. She always thought of him. Countless times. A romantic novel reminded of him. A good movie reminded of him. A melody on fm reminded of him.
She was so sure she was in love. She was so sure dat she wanted him, she was so sure she want a life with him , se was so sure of everything.
But now, now when she is so close, she dunno what to do.
He was smart. He could recognize the signals. He liked her. Always, the way her face lits up with every smile, the way she brings smiles on her frnds’s face, the way her energy and enthusiasm freshens the air. He always liked her msgs. . but was clueless on what to reply. He liked her, and always hoped she liked him back too. And he knew she did.
That day, when they were very close to each other, he looking into her eyes, trying decipher what those had to say, and she was doubting herself.
Do I really love this man? Do I really want to be touched by him?
She looked back . into those deep dark eyes. She found admiration for her, the need for her, but she was not sure how well she could reflect it.
Damn!!. . what is this. . I thought I loved him. But why this second thoughts then. She was elated when he made clear dat he liked her. She loved each evening with him, the walks with him, the tea times but now. . now when is so close, she dunno what to do.
When he had touched her waist, she was shy but liked the way her heart fluttered. When he waited to see her response she even gave a shay but encouraging smile. When he drew her close to himself, she couldn’t believe her luck. When he looked into her eyes, at that precise moment, she felt something was missing. She was mistaken!!
When he looked deep into her eyes, she was expecting to feel something else. She remembered how much she liked to think about him. How everything nice reminded of him. But, why . . why now when she is so close, she dunno what to do.
She withdrew her eyes. With a feeling of guilt, of having misguided him. She has realized. This is no love. This was the yearning for love. The need to be loved, and cared for. The wish to be adored by a perfect man like him.
He seemed to realize her thoughts. He released her from his arms. His heat ached, but he kept smiling. He knew he had to.. he cannot let her feel bad about anything.
He stroked her hair. Held her hand for a while.. He smiled and touched her left cheek ,
“Oh Lord!! . . dat smile. . but. I am not ready for him. Not now atleast. . And I dont know if i'll ever be”
She was looking down. He held her chin and lifted her face. . she looked deep into his eyes. She could see he is hurt.
But he understood.
When they left, she was still unkissed, and he was hurt and asking his heart not to bleed.
She was more matured and realized the truth. “He needs time. And when he understands why, he will be happy dat things had to end up like this”
He dropped her home. Went back to his hostel room and fell on to the bed. He begged his heart not to bleed.
His mobile beeped.
1 message received.
He opened it. Another forwarded msg frm her. Goodnight.
He replied back - a happy smiley. And he realized that his heart need not bleed. He still had her in his life. And he still had his heart in place.
They say swine is the worst common disease now?? Oh yeah?? Try Chicken gunia. Well. . I was not a victim of it but had this extremely stupid viral fever which came with all the symptoms of chicken gunia.
On my way back to pune, every time i had to climb on to my berth - side upeer, my feet went numb. I dropped my mobile and charger once. I cant beleive that my mobile still refuses to give up. After all those big leaps, jumps and that legendary fall from a running train, except a body full of scratches and a frame which is coming off. . it works perfectly fine.
I should never go for anything other than nokia!!!
Have u ever had a time when there is a shortage of water at ur apartments?? Many might have. . I am sure. We did have a break from this headache for a couple of weeks. But now, when I reached my flat after a very short – 5day vacation, it is is there to welcome me. The water issue on full form. They say dat some thing is wrong with the bore well. . And we are filling buckets and drums whenever the society is kind enough to allow water through one tap at the kitchen sink.
Am trying to get used to the routine again – of storing water. Well, it is not that bad. Really not that bad. Only 5 buckets and 2 big 50 ltr drums. But team it up with wrist pain, swollen fingers and a left ankle which hurts badly.
But, Thank God, that we didn’t have to wait longer for the water. All the effort was worth it. Each single drop was worth it.
Today Rahul - Satish's frnd - came home with a surprising news.When he said Vandana’s dad had no intention to get her married to Satish, I did not know how to take it. It seemed a rumours But, then what else could be the reason for her dad not allowing Satish or anyone in the family to talk to her. Even mom called yesterday and he, as usual, gave some lame excuse.
I did not ask Rahul how he came to know about it. Rahul had good contacts and he knew how to use them.
I decided to talk to my husband. He laughed at the matter and said that it is not possible.
"The old fellow is a bit conservative. May be he dont approve of young people talking before marriage."
“Then, why is he refusing to fix a date for marriage? He didn’t allow even mom to talk to Vandana after the engagement."
He didnt have an answer for that.
" Why don’t u enquire and see what is the truth” . He gave a silent nod.
I heard Satish starting his bike. Through the bedroom window I could see Rahul and Satish moving out.
That evening when Satish’s brother came home, he refused to talk about the proposal. All he said was “We are dropping it. Satish have informed them that he is no more interested.”
Rahul -
I was quite surprised to see that Vandana’s father didn’t allow her to talk to Satish on phone. He was the one who insisted on the engagement ceremony to be done soon where Satish’s family was ready to give time. Also now, dat old man is refusing to fix a date for wedding.
That made me enquire a bit. and I did it without asking Satish. You may say it as friend's right to interfere without warning. I know Satish well. And I knew this matter was eating his mind. I pulled some strings, rang a few ppl and the truth i found was unbelievable and insulting.
When I broke this news to Satish, I could see his face going red. On a normal day, he is the calmest guy you can find on the face of earth. But when he gets angry, I even think of leaving the country . Man, he is real dangerous then. . . .
I was watching Satish’s reaction and at the same time trying to find an exit door . . just in case. . . .
“How could they do this."
I didn’t know wat to say. Even thought Satish had not talked to Vandana since the engagement ceremony (that old man didn’t allow him to talk. :P ) , I know he had been preparing for a life with her. More than that, he was deeply hurt that someone had played such a trick on him. He didn’t say anything. He just started the bike and went. I was expecting this. I too, followed him, till Vandana’s house.
Vandana’s father was sitting in the verandha enjoying hot tea. How dare he. After playing all these games and hurting my he is peacefully enjoying his tea?? Heartless Moron. . @#$@$.
The way Satish reacted that day, he made sure that no one in Vandana’s whole entire family would dare to play any such cheap tricks on any one. And I am glad that I too played my part very well in helping him that day. :D
Satish –
**** After that incident, for a few weeks, nobody at home dared to talk to Satish about marriage. But slowly bhaiyya started the topic. That irritated Satish to the limits. Even now bhaiyya was more interested on the wealth of the girl’s family . Satish, who wanted to take a break, was in no mood to listen. He even threatened to leave the house and stay at medical college hostel if bhaiyya wont give up the topic. . . It worked!. Bhiayya kept quite****
Brunda was never a bright student but she did well. The only subject she couldn’t score well was the one I taught - micro biology. She had great skill in pathology classes where I was sometimes asked to be a supervisor for tests and exams. Her frank and bold nature, and the calm attitude she had – I thought she was cool.
Later on when I came to know that her family is searching a groom for her. “He should be one lucky guy “ I told myself. The next day, I went to the class, I couldn’t help noticing how much distracted I am. Usually, I enjoy my classes, the questions, the interactive discussion sessions with students, everything about it. That day, I went on thinking about the guy who is gonna marry Brunda. I felt a spur of jealousy forming in my heart. It surprised me.
That night, I was on my way to the kitchen for a glass of water when I saw bhaiyya talking to dad.
“Pa, this new proposal is really good. I am sure Satish will agree with this. Why don’t you talk to him regarding this??”
Dad – “Come on, he had to break his engagement only a few weeks back. Let the boy take some time. “
Bhaiyya – “Pa, this family is very nice. . . “
I didn’t wait till he finished that sentence. I knew why this family is so good. In my heart I thanked dad for understanding my feelings and standing by my side. But if bhaiyya is gonna pester him again. . . I am not gonna stand that embarrassment any more. No matter what he says . . . .
and suddenly, Brunda’s face came to my mind.
I dialed Rahul’s number –
“hey. . u slept so early??? “
“Come to the point, idiot” – replied a sleepy voice from the other end of the phone.
“I was thinking. . . you know Brunda right??”
Samreen –
Brunda has given me a huge surprise. I have to admit that I am impressed by Satish sir. For having that guts to tell that to Brunda at her face. Not bad, sir. Not at all. . .
“Sam, say something”
“Oh. . what. . I. . ahem .” God, y do my mind always drift so quickly.
“So, my dear, wat did u answer?” I asked. Trying hard to keep my mind focused.
“I didn’t know wat to say. Then I thought, let him approach my dad. I said he may talk to my dad”
Hmm. . not bad an answer. . .infact, coming from Brunda, a very predictable answer. Oh. . common Samreen, focus on what Brunda is telling, or else she might even eat u alive. . .
“hey, have u prepared for that microbiology test tomorrow”
“wat. Micro. . oh yes. . I was trying to read my notes when u came in”. . Damn !!! why God, why this subject. . . . . . . . precaution agains this virus. . .wait a minute, which virus are they talking about.?? I’ll have to start all over again. I hope no one else will storm into my room with any more surprises. ****Samreen returned to her notes and started again, frm the first page.****
