Happen to stumble across something I had written a few years back. More than 2 yrs back infact. It is my first piece of blog on myself. . written when i had no idea what blog meant.
Here it goes. . .
hey, have u ever had the feeling that u had given up on something just when u were about to reach there? in case u havent, let me tell u. it is a pretty disgusting feeling. i was just an ordinary girl. scored well in school. was pretty active in college. i am a foodie and i am paying the price. i am a bit overweight but i dont have a problem with that. i would say i look chubby in a healthy way. i was happy with the way i am. i was nice, funny, good to be with and had a bunch of great friends. but some how i began to feel insecure. i thought i was not gettting wat i deserve and that others are being rewarded for my work. things went wrong frm there. i didnt know wat was actually happening.if i had i would have felt better. the truth was i was being watched and was regarded as an efficient person. i was even nominated to head a group. but there again things went wrong. i knew there were others who were more capable of doing things than me as far as the group was concerned. that was a fact and i accepted it and told my seniors. they were still with me. said they knew i can do it. behind the stage something else was happening. many people said that they wont listen to a girl even if she was a head. come on think of it. i have beleived my whole entire life that i wont give up to any sort of gender discrimination but i did. i am not sorry for turning that offer. i am sorry for not taking it because i had little faith in me. eligible people got the position and i am happy with that. but i lost my confidence. i had lost faith in myself. and it was a serous matter. i couldnt trust any one. you know what, it took me a lot of time just to accept that whatever has happened i am responsible for that. the whole thing affected me greatly. i was going through some very tense moment in my personal life and seemed lost, unable to handle anything. i lost a lot of time, a lot of good realtionships, scores went down. i paid dearly for letting myself down. now. i have decided to accept my self and move ahead. i am working on regaining my fighting spirit. i am working on my relations and i am working on myself. there is always room for improvement, right? now i know how harmful it can be, not to trust oneself. i wont make that mistake again.
Reading this again. . made me smile. . .i do sound a bit depressive and a lot kiddish. . but dat writing was cute and damn honest. . heheh
One good thing about having a late night tea or coffee is dat. .it sets the perfect ambience for gossips, stories. .and gossip stories.
Again we were talking. She had already started her tea. . . . i was waitng for mine to cool down a bit. I dont like it too hot.
"I met him, last week". She said.
Him??
- Eh. . who??? -
"Oh. .U know him. . Mr.XYZ . I used to have a crush on him. . .long back."
- Oh, alright. I remember him. .So. . u met him last week??-
"Yeah. and u know wat, I actually felt good. And then. . .I felt very excited."
Uh. . OH!! 'Good' is fine . .but 'excited'???
"I know it sounds stupid. But, seriously, i was very excited dat after such a long time, almost a year, I met him."
"Then, I went back to my place. . And. . I felt very resltess. I didnt know what to do. My team mate was asking me something but i was in no mood to listen. I just wanted to go somewhere. .anywhere."
I smiled.
"And then. . When i got into the bus. I felt bad. Real bad. That, how much ever i wish he will never be in my life. I felt bad that, i can never give it a chance, can never give both of us a chance."
Now she was talking staring at the TV screen.
"The thought really irritated me. And then. . Then i thought, what if i had nothing else to care about, what if it was completely upto me. and he too liked me. Then what.
What will I say then. .
And the answer that come to my mind was. ..
Obviously "NO".
I laughed and almost spilled my tea. What???
"Yeah. . I mean, One sec i was feeling nice. . .then excited. . then irritated. . then sad. . then angry. .and finally. . .nothing. . blank. . back to what i was before meeting him. "
"Well . . He is nice and all. But, not the kind of guy i want my life with. So. . by the time i reached home. I was happy and fine. :$"
I was trying hard not to laugh. .
"Hey. . be honest. . .this is just normal right???"
Relationships!! We were talking about relationships. Infact, ‘She’ was talking about relationships and me concentrating on my dinner. I was damn hungry and not in a mood to cook. “Dinner?, Chal bahar chalte hai. “ She had agreed readily.
She went on, “It is a sweet feeling. More than u loving someone, u enjoy the feeling of being loved by that person. Dat is real special.”
I gave a nod and took more ketchup. I need more ketchup.
“Lekin. . Bahut khit-pit hota hai. Call every day , do this, do that, y didn’t u do this, y did u do that. . .your priorities take a big change. . “
My current priority was my dinner. But I was enjoying the talk. We always talked a lot.
Fm singing in loud voice at the background.
Hey . . listen to the lyrics now. . Dat is exactly wat all things a relationship make u do. .
. .
FM continued to sing
. .
"Taareef teri karna haan. .
Tujhe khone se darna haan
Bhool Gaya Abh Tujh Pe Din Mein
Chaar dafa marna hai. . "
We both laughed.
I went back to my dinner while she again got lost in thoughts and sipped hot tea. She was not hungry.
She always wanted to be with him. Close to him. Close enuf to enjoy the faint smell of his deo. Close enuf to see dat his smile has a little twitch towards the left, which goes almost unnoticed everyday. Close enough to feel his breath on her face.
And now, now when she is so close, she dunno wat to do. It was her fantasy, to be with him, to be held in his arms, and to feel the rough softness of his lips. She had dreamt of it, countless times, she had yearned for it.
But now, now when she is so close, she dunno what to do.
He was not her dream guy, but he was the guy who came into her dreams without any invitation. She always felt her heartbeats raising when she was with him. Whe she saw his msg on her cell, although he rarely msged anything other than smilies. But still, the simple fact that she can see his name every time she check her inbox, made her happy.
He was a strange face in the crowd. Long back. Gradually, they came to know each other through common friends. Her friends always considered him as a gentle man. Always chivalrous, always polite. She sometimes got bored of the politeness, but his one call, just to ask about the day’s lecture, a smiley as a reply to her good night msg, a simple hi, every day when they meet at the class. . .all made her happy.
That was what made her think that she love him. She always thought of him. Countless times. A romantic novel reminded of him. A good movie reminded of him. A melody on fm reminded of him.
She was so sure she was in love. She was so sure dat she wanted him, she was so sure she want a life with him , se was so sure of everything.
But now, now when she is so close, she dunno what to do.
He was smart. He could recognize the signals. He liked her. Always, the way her face lits up with every smile, the way she brings smiles on her frnds’s face, the way her energy and enthusiasm freshens the air. He always liked her msgs. . but was clueless on what to reply. He liked her, and always hoped she liked him back too. And he knew she did.
That day, when they were very close to each other, he looking into her eyes, trying decipher what those had to say, and she was doubting herself.
Do I really love this man? Do I really want to be touched by him?
She looked back . into those deep dark eyes. She found admiration for her, the need for her, but she was not sure how well she could reflect it.
Damn!!. . what is this. . I thought I loved him. But why this second thoughts then. She was elated when he made clear dat he liked her. She loved each evening with him, the walks with him, the tea times but now. . now when is so close, she dunno what to do.
When he had touched her waist, she was shy but liked the way her heart fluttered. When he waited to see her response she even gave a shay but encouraging smile. When he drew her close to himself, she couldn’t believe her luck. When he looked into her eyes, at that precise moment, she felt something was missing. She was mistaken!!
When he looked deep into her eyes, she was expecting to feel something else. She remembered how much she liked to think about him. How everything nice reminded of him. But, why . . why now when she is so close, she dunno what to do.
She withdrew her eyes. With a feeling of guilt, of having misguided him. She has realized. This is no love. This was the yearning for love. The need to be loved, and cared for. The wish to be adored by a perfect man like him.
He seemed to realize her thoughts. He released her from his arms. His heat ached, but he kept smiling. He knew he had to.. he cannot let her feel bad about anything.
He stroked her hair. Held her hand for a while.. He smiled and touched her left cheek ,
“Oh Lord!! . . dat smile. . but. I am not ready for him. Not now atleast. . And I dont know if i'll ever be”
She was looking down. He held her chin and lifted her face. . she looked deep into his eyes. She could see he is hurt.
But he understood.
When they left, she was still unkissed, and he was hurt and asking his heart not to bleed.
She was more matured and realized the truth. “He needs time. And when he understands why, he will be happy dat things had to end up like this”
He dropped her home. Went back to his hostel room and fell on to the bed. He begged his heart not to bleed.
His mobile beeped.
1 message received.
He opened it. Another forwarded msg frm her. Goodnight.
He replied back - a happy smiley. And he realized that his heart need not bleed. He still had her in his life. And he still had his heart in place.
They say swine is the worst common disease now?? Oh yeah?? Try Chicken gunia. Well. . I was not a victim of it but had this extremely stupid viral fever which came with all the symptoms of chicken gunia.
On my way back to pune, every time i had to climb on to my berth - side upeer, my feet went numb. I dropped my mobile and charger once. I cant beleive that my mobile still refuses to give up. After all those big leaps, jumps and that legendary fall from a running train, except a body full of scratches and a frame which is coming off. . it works perfectly fine.
I should never go for anything other than nokia!!!
Have u ever had a time when there is a shortage of water at ur apartments?? Many might have. . I am sure. We did have a break from this headache for a couple of weeks. But now, when I reached my flat after a very short – 5day vacation, it is is there to welcome me. The water issue on full form. They say dat some thing is wrong with the bore well. . And we are filling buckets and drums whenever the society is kind enough to allow water through one tap at the kitchen sink.
Am trying to get used to the routine again – of storing water. Well, it is not that bad. Really not that bad. Only 5 buckets and 2 big 50 ltr drums. But team it up with wrist pain, swollen fingers and a left ankle which hurts badly.
But, Thank God, that we didn’t have to wait longer for the water. All the effort was worth it. Each single drop was worth it.
Today Rahul - Satish's frnd - came home with a surprising news.When he said Vandana’s dad had no intention to get her married to Satish, I did not know how to take it. It seemed a rumours But, then what else could be the reason for her dad not allowing Satish or anyone in the family to talk to her. Even mom called yesterday and he, as usual, gave some lame excuse.
I did not ask Rahul how he came to know about it. Rahul had good contacts and he knew how to use them.
I decided to talk to my husband. He laughed at the matter and said that it is not possible.
"The old fellow is a bit conservative. May be he dont approve of young people talking before marriage."
“Then, why is he refusing to fix a date for marriage? He didn’t allow even mom to talk to Vandana after the engagement."
He didnt have an answer for that.
" Why don’t u enquire and see what is the truth” . He gave a silent nod.
I heard Satish starting his bike. Through the bedroom window I could see Rahul and Satish moving out.
That evening when Satish’s brother came home, he refused to talk about the proposal. All he said was “We are dropping it. Satish have informed them that he is no more interested.”
Rahul -
I was quite surprised to see that Vandana’s father didn’t allow her to talk to Satish on phone. He was the one who insisted on the engagement ceremony to be done soon where Satish’s family was ready to give time. Also now, dat old man is refusing to fix a date for wedding.
That made me enquire a bit. and I did it without asking Satish. You may say it as friend's right to interfere without warning. I know Satish well. And I knew this matter was eating his mind. I pulled some strings, rang a few ppl and the truth i found was unbelievable and insulting.
When I broke this news to Satish, I could see his face going red. On a normal day, he is the calmest guy you can find on the face of earth. But when he gets angry, I even think of leaving the country . Man, he is real dangerous then. . . .
I was watching Satish’s reaction and at the same time trying to find an exit door . . just in case. . . .
“How could they do this."
I didn’t know wat to say. Even thought Satish had not talked to Vandana since the engagement ceremony (that old man didn’t allow him to talk. :P ) , I know he had been preparing for a life with her. More than that, he was deeply hurt that someone had played such a trick on him. He didn’t say anything. He just started the bike and went. I was expecting this. I too, followed him, till Vandana’s house.
Vandana’s father was sitting in the verandha enjoying hot tea. How dare he. After playing all these games and hurting my he is peacefully enjoying his tea?? Heartless Moron. . @#$@$.
The way Satish reacted that day, he made sure that no one in Vandana’s whole entire family would dare to play any such cheap tricks on any one. And I am glad that I too played my part very well in helping him that day. :D
Satish –
**** After that incident, for a few weeks, nobody at home dared to talk to Satish about marriage. But slowly bhaiyya started the topic. That irritated Satish to the limits. Even now bhaiyya was more interested on the wealth of the girl’s family . Satish, who wanted to take a break, was in no mood to listen. He even threatened to leave the house and stay at medical college hostel if bhaiyya wont give up the topic. . . It worked!. Bhiayya kept quite****
Brunda was never a bright student but she did well. The only subject she couldn’t score well was the one I taught - micro biology. She had great skill in pathology classes where I was sometimes asked to be a supervisor for tests and exams. Her frank and bold nature, and the calm attitude she had – I thought she was cool.
Later on when I came to know that her family is searching a groom for her. “He should be one lucky guy “ I told myself. The next day, I went to the class, I couldn’t help noticing how much distracted I am. Usually, I enjoy my classes, the questions, the interactive discussion sessions with students, everything about it. That day, I went on thinking about the guy who is gonna marry Brunda. I felt a spur of jealousy forming in my heart. It surprised me.
That night, I was on my way to the kitchen for a glass of water when I saw bhaiyya talking to dad.
“Pa, this new proposal is really good. I am sure Satish will agree with this. Why don’t you talk to him regarding this??”
Dad – “Come on, he had to break his engagement only a few weeks back. Let the boy take some time. “
Bhaiyya – “Pa, this family is very nice. . . “
I didn’t wait till he finished that sentence. I knew why this family is so good. In my heart I thanked dad for understanding my feelings and standing by my side. But if bhaiyya is gonna pester him again. . . I am not gonna stand that embarrassment any more. No matter what he says . . . .
and suddenly, Brunda’s face came to my mind.
I dialed Rahul’s number –
“hey. . u slept so early??? “
“Come to the point, idiot” – replied a sleepy voice from the other end of the phone.
“I was thinking. . . you know Brunda right??”
Samreen –
Brunda has given me a huge surprise. I have to admit that I am impressed by Satish sir. For having that guts to tell that to Brunda at her face. Not bad, sir. Not at all. . .
“Sam, say something”
“Oh. . what. . I. . ahem .” God, y do my mind always drift so quickly.
“So, my dear, wat did u answer?” I asked. Trying hard to keep my mind focused.
“I didn’t know wat to say. Then I thought, let him approach my dad. I said he may talk to my dad”
Hmm. . not bad an answer. . .infact, coming from Brunda, a very predictable answer. Oh. . common Samreen, focus on what Brunda is telling, or else she might even eat u alive. . .
“hey, have u prepared for that microbiology test tomorrow”
“wat. Micro. . oh yes. . I was trying to read my notes when u came in”. . Damn !!! why God, why this subject. . . . . . . . precaution agains this virus. . .wait a minute, which virus are they talking about.?? I’ll have to start all over again. I hope no one else will storm into my room with any more surprises. ****Samreen returned to her notes and started again, frm the first page.****
**** Samreen was sitting on her bed, with a heap of big books by her side. Playing with a pencil, she was trying to drill the microbiology notes slowly into her mind. She always hated microbiology lessons. But Samreen knew she will have to work hard. Becoming a doctor is after all not dat easy.****
Brinda came in to the room. . “Sam. “
“hmmm??” I replied, without lifting my head frm the book
“Sam, I need to tell u something.”
“hmmm” – the only way of precaution from this virus is. . . Y do they have to schedule a test tomorrow. . damn!!. . precaution from this virus. . . .
“Sam, Satish Sir prposed me”.
“WHAT THE . . . . “ the entire microbiology lesson vanished from my mind.. A soft thud from somewhere made me realize dat the pencil have slipped off from my hand.
“I must be hallucinating. .did u just tell me dat Staish sir proposed u???”
Brunda gave a nod.
She is saying “Yes” ?? Hell, I was expecting a “No”.
“I thought that guy was already engaged ”
“Yeah but Seema was telling yesterday dat they broke the engagement a month back, remember??”
“Did she?” I could not remember. This microbiology is really driving me nuts. . But, oh wait. Yes. . of course, Seema had told.
I felt happy at the thought dat am still very much sane.
“I remember dat. And I guess it was Satish sir who broke the engagement, rt?”
“Yup”.
“I thought ppl learn lessons frm their mistakes. Why do he want to get committed so soon after dat. And.. . “ It was at that precise moment that I understood the depth of the matter.
“That guy want to marry you???” Oh my God!!! I hope this is not a joke.” I almost screamed at her.
“It is not a joke, Samreen”
All right, she is calling me “Samreen” and not “Sam”. She’s got to be serious then. I better listen to Brunda and forget all those stupid questions.
Allright sweetie, I am all ears. Tell me wat is going on.
“I dunno. He just asked me if it is okay with me if he approaches my dad asking my hand”
“you mean, he is ready to move ahead with a formal proposal. For u??”
“I guess so.”
Satish Sir is a nice guy. But I never really liked him much. Why?? Because he teaches microbiology. How could a man interested in that subject be normal??? Or, may be I am not so normal. .
Brunda’s curious eyes brought me back to reality. I should keep these thoughts for some time later.
Satish: ***Satish’s mobile buzzed for the seventh time dat day. He knew it was his big brother. From the moment he had informed home about his decision to marry Brunda, his brother has started missing him too much. A smile appeared across his face and he pressed the red button on the mobile once again. The buzz went off. “Sorry bhaiyya, but I don’t want to spoil ur time. “**
Things started 3 months back, when chaachu came there and mom started her usual list of complains on me not being ready to get married and all. “ Mom, y don’t u understand, being a bachelor is the coolest part of life.” Dad understood, he always gave me a wink and asked mom to calm down.” He is just 28, y should we hurry” he would say
But this time, every one was so stubborn. Every one was so interested in the proposal chaachu had brought dat no one was ready to hear a “no” from me. Not even bhaabhi.
Bhaabhi said “ Satish, you brother says this is a very good proposal. Why don’t we all go there to meet the girl and the family. If u didn’t like her, u can of course say a ‘No’. right?? . “
I knew mom had asked my bhaabhi to talk to me on this. they had deicded not to leave me this time. Fine fine. .i finally agreed to go and meet the girl.
I found Vandana very sweet. Sweet and pretty. She had big eyes and a childish face. More than that, I liked they way she talked to me without any inhibitions or a ting of shyness.
A few days later my bhaabhi asked me “so, Satish, wat do u think of her?? “
“Bhaabhi, I found her quite nice. If she finds me good enough, I am ready for it. But, I need like to talk to her more and get to know her better.”
“Why would she think u not good enough??? Paagal. And after engagement till marriage, u will have enough time to talk to her.” She gave a warm smile and ran back to inform this to bhaiyya and Dad.
After engagement,?? Wait . . bhaabhi. . . . I meant before engagement. . nobody was ready to listen. Bhaiyya even gave me stare when I said this.
Chaachu came the next day and started describing how good this rishta is and all. . and in between he added . . .
“The girls father have told that he will give a big amount as dowry. He agreed it all by himself you know. We didn’t ask him or anything. Why should we?? We are not in need of money from them. Are we??? But I have told him that he can give his daughter wat ever he wishes. Am sure this kind of rishta is gonna be good thing for our family.”
Okay, so that is one of the reasons that some ppl at home were not ready to let this proposal go. But I had decided that she is gonna be the owner of whatever she brings. She can enjoy that. I know to make my living with my job.
Three days later, an engagement ceremony was arranged at Vandana’s house.
Vandana –
**** Vandana was trying to make a decision. She didn’t know what to do. She thought about Satish, she thought him sweet and nice. Very decent sort of fellow. But, dad says”. Dilip is settled in London and makes 6 times as much money as Satish does. But I am engaged to Satish.”
She didn’t know wat to do. Vandana never knew how to make decisions. She was very happy when someone else did the same for her. She found it hard to trust her instincts and it was hell a lot easier to accept someone else’s words and go ahead.” Atleast, If something goes wrong somewhere, I wont be the one to be blamed.” She thought. And as usual, Vandana left the decision to her dad.
Daddy had told her “Beta, I have’nt talked to Dilip yet. Let me talk to him and his mom. Am sure his family wont have any problem. He is after all your cousin. We will tell Satish’s family some excuses once Dilip has agreed.
For Vandana, She is going to marry a stranger. And for her, the names didn’t matter as long as daddy says yes.****
The 62nd anniversary of the great Indian Independance. Besides all those intrnal conflicts, the leftovers of the British "Divide and ruly policy" , those bomb blasts, the terrorist attacks, wars and all those unacceptble incidents;. . . .. .Besides, all these, India did manage to survive 62 long years. And she will continue to shine for many more years to come, till eternity. We the Indians should and shall bring back its glory and transform her to her true self. To what she was - the torchbearer of knowledge, power and humanity to the world.
Sometimes, life give ur chances which u are not prepared to take. You are just scared to accept the gift and admire it. It cause a whirl wind of thoughts and emotions in your mind. And they get so intense that you are no longer able to express or comprehend them. And you let them go. Those wonderful gifts.
Sometimes, being a coward is the only option you have.
A couple of days back, news channels took a break from juicy gossips and useless weird stories to remind us of the Kargil war. Kargil war is an unforgettable and unforgivable part of Indian history. Is 10 years enough to heal the wounds of a war. News channels celebrated the 10th anniversary by dedicating 30 minutes for a full fledged report. We all remembered our soldiers, saluted them and then forgot them. Only to remember them a year later, when the channels will report a yet another documentary on the war. Even I shouted in the orkut "Kargil war anniversary today". And had a gud night sleep as if I have done my part of the job. Idiot me.
A war is not just two countries making its soldiers kill each other and get killed. It destroyes the relationship between countries, worsens the attitude of the ppl towards each other and strengthen the boundaries we have set for ourselves and others. It creates a very hostile world for the coming generation giving them even more chances to disagree with each other and sort to agressive actions.
Our duties do not end with us remembering our soldiers once in a year. Our actions and thoughts need to come together to create a world free of war.
Let there be a world without wars. Let there be a world without boundaries, let there be a world where we do not have to fear each other , let there be a world where man is free and nature is always in bloom.
Yes. . finally the time has come for me to admit the truth. "I am a big time complaint-monger.".i luv to complain about almost anything. How my life is incomplete, how i am missing many big things in life becuase of 'this' or 'that' or 'him' or 'her' or 'watever'. (Defenitely not my fault,u see. . . :P). From this habit of mine which i had been living with for 22 yrs, I can assure that it is very relaxing; to act as if you are the most perfect being and blame others for any mistake u come across.
But today, i am in a mood to confess. (!!!! - Yeah, was feeling tired about being a bad girl. . :$)
I always wanted to go places. But, in the last 1.5 yrs i spent in pune, i have been out to see the space around me only 3 times. 1.5 years is around 70 weekends. Well, u need not go out to have fun, but the truth is, most of my weekends, i was awake the whole night (thanks to night shifts. . . :D) with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Watching stupid TV shows to kill time. Such a waste of time.
I was a kind of person who used to have a lot faith. Who used to have faith in faith. Who used to beleive that each day is precious. I was never someone who hated weekends and watched all the supid shows , their re-telecast, second re-telecast, some times even the third. . .(That sounds pathetic.).
Life is God's grace. We have a responsibilty to make it rich and colourful..
Monsoon always lifts up my spirit. Every year, through out the summer, i wait eagerly for it. If it rains on my birthday, it makes me happy. For some wierd reason, I think rain is lucky for me.
My best monsoon moments are those which i have spent with my cousins. We would all come together and start our chit chat. All of us coming together in a single room is a big deal . . because we are a big bunch. . more than 20 kids :D (Yes, kids include me too. . .:P) . So, every one fitting into one room makes it quite noisy and sometimes causes little fights for the best comfortable space. . . ;) . And then. . have hot tea and snacks when thunders give a good beat to the background music. That is the time for all wierd stories. Legends, ghost stories, local gossips, college news, guys/girls, . . The rains set the mood for just anything. Ghost stories would scare the hell out of kids if there is backdrop of thunder. Needless to say.. . we enjoyed scaring the kids. :D. . Come on, we were kids too. . .and we all had gone through the same things. . . And to say love stories . . . oh. .that was the best. . every one would listen with dreamy eyes. . silently appreciating the story. . . . . .
Lovely memories. . .
Rain is the spirit of childhood and the soul of romance.
Freedom of experssion - something ppl have been fighting for through ages. The french had a revolution on it, The english paid dearly for trying to suppress it, Indians were ready to play with their lives to gain it. Such a big mess over it . . for centuries. . .Blood spilled, lives given and taken, murders, riots, . . all for to be able to express oneself.
I am not a story teller. I can tell about my life and my thoughts. My actions can be controled but my expressions are truly mine and never be surrendered. This is a reflection of my thoughts. - Expressions.