Expressions

She always wanted to be with him. Close to him. Close enuf to enjoy the faint smell of his deo. Close enuf to see dat his smile has a little twitch towards the left, which goes almost unnoticed everyday. Close enough to feel his breath on her face.

And now, now when she is so close, she dunno wat to do. It was her fantasy, to be with him, to be held in his arms, and to feel the rough softness of his lips. She had dreamt of it, countless times, she had yearned for it.

But now, now when she is so close, she dunno what to do.

He was not her dream guy, but he was the guy who came into her dreams without any invitation. She always felt her heartbeats raising when she was with him. Whe she saw his msg on her cell, although he rarely msged anything other than smilies. But still, the simple fact that she can see his name every time she check her inbox, made her happy.

He was a strange face in the crowd. Long back. Gradually, they came to know each other through common friends. Her friends always considered him as a gentle man. Always chivalrous, always polite. She sometimes got bored of the politeness, but his one call, just to ask about the day’s lecture, a smiley as a reply to her good night msg, a simple hi, every day when they meet at the class. . .all made her happy.

That was what made her think that she love him. She always thought of him. Countless times. A romantic novel reminded of him. A good movie reminded of him. A melody on fm reminded of him.

She was so sure she was in love. She was so sure dat she wanted him, she was so sure
she want a life with him , se was so sure of everything.

But now, now when she is so close, she dunno what to do.

He was smart. He could recognize the signals. He liked her. Always, the way her face lits up with every smile, the way she brings smiles on her frnds’s face, the way her energy and enthusiasm freshens the air. He always liked her msgs. . but was clueless on what to reply. He liked her, and always hoped she liked him back too. And he knew she did.

That day, when they were very close to each other, he looking into her eyes, trying decipher what those had to say, and she was doubting herself.

Do I really love this man? Do I really want to be touched by him?

She looked back . into those deep dark eyes. She found admiration for her, the need for her, but she was not sure how well she could reflect it.

Damn!!. . what is this. . I thought I loved him. But why this second thoughts then. She was elated when he made clear dat he liked her. She loved each evening with him, the walks with him, the tea times but now. . now when is so close, she dunno what to do.

When he had touched her waist, she was shy but liked the way her heart fluttered. When he waited to see her response she even gave a shay but encouraging smile. When he drew her close to himself, she couldn’t believe her luck. When he looked into her eyes, at that precise moment, she felt something was missing. She was mistaken!!

When he looked deep into her eyes, she was expecting to feel something else. She remembered how much she liked to think about him. How everything nice reminded of him. But, why . . why now when she is so close, she dunno what to do.

She withdrew her eyes. With a feeling of guilt, of having misguided him. She has realized. This is no love. This was the yearning for love. The need to be loved, and cared for. The wish to be adored by a perfect man like him.

He seemed to realize her thoughts. He released her from his arms. His heat ached, but he kept smiling. He knew he had to.. he cannot let her feel bad about anything.

He stroked her hair. Held her hand for a while.. He smiled and touched her left cheek ,

“Oh Lord!! . . dat smile. . but. I am not ready for him. Not now atleast. . And I dont know if i'll ever be”

She was looking down. He held her chin and lifted her face. . she looked deep into his eyes. She could see he is hurt.

But he understood.

When they left, she was still unkissed, and he was hurt and asking his heart not to bleed.

She was more matured and realized the truth. “He needs time. And when he understands why, he will be happy dat things had to end up like this”

He dropped her home. Went back to his hostel room and fell on to the bed.
He begged his heart not to bleed.

His mobile beeped.

1 message received.

He opened it. Another forwarded msg frm her. Goodnight.

He replied back - a happy smiley. And he realized that his heart need not bleed. He still had her in his life. And he still had his heart in place.